Monday, September 19, 2011

Daniel, Chapters 7-9: Daniel's Bad Trip

Chapter 7

Daniel has a dream about sea monsters with horns making war against saints until a saviour comes along and turns the tide decisively in the saints' favour, at which point a bunch of kings will come along and fight each other, until one prevails. Then he'll start a new, everlasting kingdom. Jerry Falwell just about creams his pants over this chapter, devoting nearly a page of footnotes to explaining how this chapter predicts Jesus and Revelations and End Times and the Antichrist and the Rapture and all that awesome stuff lunatics like him look forward to.

Chapter 8

Daniel has another dream, this time about a goat and a ram that fight. He doesn't get it, so an angel comes along to explain: the goat is Medo-Persia and the ram is Greece. They'll fight and eventually one ruler will prevail. Jerry continues to spin a wild-eyed story about temple schedules and the Antichrist, because he doesn't understand that if you write a second book to conveniently fit all the prophecies in your first book, that doesn't prove anything except that you read the first book.

Chapter 9

Daniel prays to god to forgive his people and let them go back to Jerusalem. Eventually a man, or possibly an archangel named Gabriel comes along and says fine, you can have Jerusalem back in 70 weeks, at which point a prince will come along and help them rebuild it. But then it'll be destroyed again in a war, and then there's a confusing bit about sacrifices and desolation. Meanwhile, Jerry's orgasm, which has been building for 3 chapters now, finally explodes into a full PAGE of commentary about how the Hebrew word for 'week' can represent up to 7 years as long as they're prophetical years and not solar years, and therefore when Jesus is killed exactly 483 years to the day (April 3, AD 33) later, it all fits perfectly. Provided you use 30 day months and skip ahead to the Book of Revelation.

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